Saturday, September 25, 2010



Who was the genius that invented this? I type out all of my thoughts and with the click of a button I can pretend the whole world is reading them! That is awesome. The three days that I am going to spend committed to posting nonsense before I realize that nobody cares and fewer are actually reading it are going to be great.


Dont ever call me that. It sounds insulting. 


making an entry into a weblog or blog = online diary. : When John said he was busy blogging, Sally said he should get a life!

This little gem was copied and pasted directly off of

My inspiration. 

One monday I was sitting at my kitchen table eating oatmeal. It makes sense that I was eating oatmeal on a monday. Every single monday I begin a new attempt to eat healthier. 

every. single. monday.

Ah... nothing like willpower that is soaked in a steaming vat of self delusion. If you are female, you probably know what I am referring to...every sunday night its "Ugh! Look at me! Thats it! Nothing but salad for me until I die!" If you are male then you have probably assumed that the rest of this post has to do with exhausting process of female self analysis and have stopped reading at this point. However, if you are one of the bravest of the male specimen and have braved continued reading... I promise you that I will say no more on that topic. 

For now. 
But dont worry, if and when I ever dive into that madness I will warn you in plenty of time for you to make up an excuse to go do...anything else.

Im just going to say it.

I refuse to believe that anybody out there really likes to eat it. I think what people really like is the healthy feeling that you get from choosing to eat oatmeal.

Frank- So what did you eat for breakfast this morning?
Joe- I had oatmeal, it really sticks to your ribs! What did you have? 
Frank- Uh...I had a poptart...but it was the kind with no frosting! 
Joe- ........

Frank is now feeling shame. And by the way...he lied. Nobody eats the poptarts without frosting unless they buy it on accident. When a poptart doesn't have frosting its nothing more then a cracker with some nasty crap inside it.

Anyways, I am sitting at my kitchen counter eating (I'm much too ladylike to use the word "gagging" even though it is far more accurate) my bowl of instant oatmeal. It was the kind that comes in the little individual paper package. You tear it open, pour it into a bowl, and then carefully add a pre-measured amount of scalding water. If you are an individual who has never made instant oatmeal before...let me give you a helpful tip...

Every time.

Allow me to explain. The water-to-oatmeal-equilibrium that must be obtained for the ultimate texture (picture mud and baby vomit combined...thats what your going for) is an exact science and can only be achieved after you burn your fingers when the hot-as-hell water splashes out of the measuring cup as you try to pour in exactly the two cups and three ounces that that particular package of oatmeal demands. Yes, it is pain. Yes, it is sacrifice. But it is necessary. If you don't add enough water then you have no choice but to go without breakfast and instead spend your time caulking the tile in your kitchen with the inedible results left in your bowl. And if you add too much water (the more common mistake) you will have to endure the shame of people watching you drink it...shaking their heads at your stubborn determination to ignore good advice. 

I am not so haughty. I followed the steps to the letter. I poured the oatmeal into the bowl. It was apple and cinnamon... smelled delicious. I congratulated myself on my healthy choice. What a perfect way to start the day! Oatmeal! It will stick to my ribs! (Does anybody even know what that means?!!) I added the exact amount of (pre-measured!) water to the bowl. 

Covered it.

I know that I am already positively glowing with good health. 

I take my first bite. Disgusting. 
Are you supposed to chew oatmeal? 
I mean, it makes sense to chew it. Its technically a cereal. But you could swallow it without chewing a thick soup. As far as I know nobody laughs at you when you just swallow a thick soup. Its like whip cream! The choice is yours, right?

No, I have to chew it! What if I choke on it? It would be so humiliating to choke on OATMEAL! I can see the headline now...


How embarrassing! I have to chew it now. All this confusion is souring the taste of the apples and cinnamon that smelled so good just a second ago. Ugh... chewing it makes it worse. Now the nasty flavor is stuck in my teeth. Its coating my tongue with this wheaty shallac. 

I somehow manage to eat about half of it. You know...I am not really that hungry anymore. I guess this oatmeal is just sticking to my ribs! So thats what that means...

I tossed the rest of it into the garbage. It would have clogged the sink. 

My quest for health left me with nothing but three burned fingers and sticky ribs.  But thats ok...wheat bran is on the menu for next monday. 

I know what you are now thinking. How is this your inspiration for starting a blog? Well, do you know of any other format in which I could share these crucial-to-life thoughts which constantly bounce around in my head? 
Me either. 
Hence the blog.