Tuesday, September 6, 2011


Do you ever feel like you're losing your mind?
I mean, literally.
Does it ever steal your sanity and then run away from you so fast you can't find it?

I'm a firm believer that if you know you're crazy, then it makes you sane on a different level. Just like if you know you're stupid, that makes you smart in a different way. But even with that reasoning on my side, sometimes I legitimately feel like a crazy person.

I live about twenty-five to thirty minutes away from the church here so every morning during commute my brain has ample time to spin out about everything. (And it's not cute, babe. It's not.) And this morning was particularly terrible because I had "one of those mornings" where I signaled to get over into the next lane, merged, and then the lane ended! Don't laugh. It happens to people sometimes.

Or just me.

I shouldn't expect anything different. It's just like how I'm always the end of a long line. Why does nobody ever step into long lines after me? I'm always right on time to wait at the end. But none of this is the point! There I go spinning out again.

During the drive here (we're back to point one) I was really dwelling on this dream I had last night... which led me to feel emotions I thought were put to rest... which caused me to question whether my healing process was actually over... which made me ponder other aches and pains in my past... which made me feel selfish in comparison to the woman sharing her troubles on the radio at the exact same moment... which led me to realize I wasn't paying enough attention to the road (see a few paragraphs up if you need further proof)... which led me to ponder if life was passing me by like the road was... which led me to....

You see what I mean? It was a blessed relief to finally arrive at the church if for no other reason then to give me something to distract me from thinking.

A "bro" on my team in Australia once said something I've been thinking about a lot lately. He said, "Men's minds are like waffles and women's minds are like spaghetti. You may have heard that before. Men can compartmentalize, but women wind it all together. I like that we're different but I'll tell you the problem with women's brains. One bad piece of spaghetti and everything is ruined!"

Here is something I'm learning - having a mind as undisciplined as mine is a hinderance to fighting the good fight, running the good race. It definitely belongs in the category of "everything that hinders" (Hebrews 12:1). Especially when it comes to the most crucial element in the life of a saint, prayer. It's not a good thing to allow the mind to sweep you away to whatever destination seems good at the time. Praying out loud helps. But even then I'm learning I must exercise caution. This morning I was furiously whispering a thousand thoughts a minute for who-knows-how-long when I heard the Lord's gentle but firm reprimand that I was sending him a lot of words but not a whole lot of prayer. 

... and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:5b

It was then I was able to stop. Just stop... and spend some time with Jesus. I want to encourage any of you fellow crazys out there by sharing there is sanity to be found in your times with the Lord and in the word of God. What a comfort! There's a solution to be found when you pray to Him, amen?

Now to fix my driving problem... 

Monday, September 5, 2011


"It's not about what I want you to do, it's about who I made you to be."

It's been a crazy summer. Is that an understatement?
What better way to end a summer far away from home then uprooting my entire life four days after I return to move to a different city? As a mediocre writer, legendary feeler, and obsessive thinker, I'm tempted to recount every detail of how I got here for the purpose of analyzing the meaning behind every experience. I can just picture myself sitting in a bookstore, a lukewarm cup of coffee on the desk beside my computer, typing furiously to prevent a single detail from escaping my memory. It's quite a story. This is true. But I'm not going to do that. I don't think introspection is the reason God brought me to this both physical and spiritual place.

God brought me here to fall in love with him. 

If you could spent a summer blind you would most certainly see the fall with new eyes. It's taken an entire summer of missions for me to realize I'm the mission. I set out, determined to do the work of God, never realizing that I'm the work of God. My time in Australia was invaluable to me because it drained me. It exhausted every effort I had to do the work I believed God wanted me to accomplish. And when I was too tired to move, no fight left in me, God took me by the hand and led me here. He led me away from everything I know. He separated me from my old ways of living and my old ways of thinking. And then, wrapping his arms around me, he asked me for just one thing. He asked me to allow myself to love him.

I have a feeling the adventure is only beginning...