Saturday, March 19, 2011


This week's quote is from my grandpa, a man who unfortunately passed away before I could know him. I love listening to my family, especially my dad, talk about him. We were going through some old notes and papers that my grandma saved and we came across these words scribbled down on some scrap paper.

Always buy rings in threes; wedding ring, engagement ring, and teething ring. 

Now doesn't that just make you smile?

Thursday, March 17, 2011


It's been a rough two weeks. A few days ago I wrote about it. But I couldn't bring myself to post it because it had no resolve. No clever ending. No solution. It just wasn't enough to vent my feelings. I wanted some answers.

This is it, if you want to read it:

If only I could put "GOD" at the beginning of all my worrying and fretting and have it count as prayer.
If only...
If only is my problem.

Prayer is a struggle for me. These days I'm wavering between fluffy words that try to hide my faults and feelings to angry and entitled tears. I cannot find the happy medium. I hate being honest because I hate what comes out. I don't feel it gives God the respect I know He deserves. But when I try and pray the way I feel I should pray, it always leaves me wanting. A friend pointed out I say "I feel..." way too much. 
"I feel" is my problem.

I think I'm angry. It's a strange thing because I have never tried to hide how I feel. Those of you who know me know I wear my heart on my sleeve. Or at least I used to. A moment ago I realized that maybe I am trying to hide the fact I'm angry from myself. What right do I have to be angry?
Anger is my problem.

This week I found out that I pursue a lot of things I don't intend to actually do. I feel a lot for God. That's what I do. I feel a lot. And it's worthless. It means nothing. When actually faced with decisions, I never have the strength to go through.
Trust is my problem.

I have been setting up my life to look like I am trusting God when actually I don't have to rely on him for anything... I can just convince myself I am. I don't actually want to step out for fear of being miserable. Can you believe that? It's not even fear of getting hurt or failing. I don't want to be uncomfortable, even for a day. I am driven by my hatred of  unhappiness. 
Surrender is my problem.

My soul feels ugly. It's dark and heavy. It's easier to be angry about what I can't have then face what I actually need to do. And I'm tired. I can't stop dreaming about a life I can't have. I can't let go of my desire to manipulate the circumstances. And I'm not even sure that I want to. I am overloaded spiritually. It's too much. It's too much to process. And I am not strong.
Too many problems is my problem.

I know.
I have been physically exhausted (thank you fifty hour work weeks), emotional bruised, and spiritually lost. I was missing IT big time. A close girlfriend told me she knew I would get through it because she had always witnessed my devotion to seeking God and pursuing His word.

Little did I know my pursuit would become my downfall, my faith wouldn't stand when put through the fire, and my devotion was my ultimate blindness.

To be continued...