It's been a rough two weeks. A few days ago I wrote about it. But I couldn't bring myself to post it because it had no resolve. No clever ending. No solution. It just wasn't enough to vent my feelings. I wanted some answers.
This is it, if you want to read it:
If only I could put "GOD" at the beginning of all my worrying and fretting and have it count as prayer.
If only...
If only is my problem.
Prayer is a struggle for me. These days I'm wavering between fluffy words that try to hide my faults and feelings to angry and entitled tears. I cannot find the happy medium. I hate being honest because I hate what comes out. I don't feel it gives God the respect I know He deserves. But when I try and pray the way I feel I should pray, it always leaves me wanting. A friend pointed out I say "I feel..." way too much.
"I feel" is my problem.
I think I'm angry. It's a strange thing because I have never tried to hide how I feel. Those of you who know me know I wear my heart on my sleeve. Or at least I used to. A moment ago I realized that maybe I am trying to hide the fact I'm angry from myself. What right do I have to be angry?
Anger is my problem.
This week I found out that I pursue a lot of things I don't intend to actually do. I feel a lot for God. That's what I do. I feel a lot. And it's worthless. It means nothing. When actually faced with decisions, I never have the strength to go through.
Trust is my problem.
I have been setting up my life to look like I am trusting God when actually I don't have to rely on him for anything... I can just convince myself I am. I don't actually want to step out for fear of being miserable. Can you believe that? It's not even fear of getting hurt or failing. I don't want to be uncomfortable, even for a day. I am driven by my hatred of unhappiness.
Surrender is my problem.
My soul feels ugly. It's dark and heavy. It's easier to be angry about what I can't have then face what I actually need to do. And I'm tired. I can't stop dreaming about a life I can't have. I can't let go of my desire to manipulate the circumstances. And I'm not even sure that I want to. I am overloaded spiritually. It's too much. It's too much to process. And I am not strong.
Too many problems is my problem.
I know.
I have been physically exhausted (thank you fifty hour work weeks), emotional bruised, and spiritually lost. I was missing IT big time. A close girlfriend told me she knew I would get through it because she had always witnessed my devotion to seeking God and pursuing His word.
Little did I know my pursuit would become my downfall, my faith wouldn't stand when put through the fire, and my devotion was my ultimate blindness.
To be continued...
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